Why I am depressed

[ALLENFANDINGO5]

The Gorilla and the Redneck



A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

However, within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined what the problem was.

The gorilla was in heat.

And to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available to mate with the female.

Thinking about their problem,the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker who was responsible for cleaning out the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample desire to satisfy a female of any species.

So the Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for five hundred dollars?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under *five conditions *:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper readily agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She has to wear a "Dale Earnhardt

Forever" T-Shirt.

Again, the Keeper readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."

The Keeper, thinking that this was going to be easier than he thought again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want any children to be raised Southern Baptist."

The keeper rolled his eyes in disbelief but once again agreed

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

Growing up in Georgia I can tell you exactly where that Zoo is located. It has to be Clayton County "The Redneck Capital of the World" because there is not one Camaro Z-28 with a hood on it in the whole county.

[mamaCat]

Growing up in Georgia I can tell you exactly where that Zoo is located. It has to be Clayton County "The Redneck Capital of the World" because there is not one Camaro Z-28 with a hood on it in the whole county.

...Hey are you coming to our get together on Sunday...bring those other knuckleheads

[chhspantherfan]

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

Well, like yesterday, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from about a 8-foot alligator in the swamp, marched up and down several hills, got myself in a large patch of poison ivy, got into and crawled out of quicksand, ran away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took at least four 'leaks' behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "Wow, You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"

"No, I replied, “I'm just a crappy golfer."

[Tom]

Careful, if the neighbors actually do have guns that could be reckless endangerment.

[ALLENFANDINGO5]

...Hey are you coming to our get together on Sunday...bring those other knuckleheads

Thanks for the invite, but regretfully I must decline. I am having to work both nights this weekend.

[chhspantherfan]

[mamaCat]

yes they are

[mamaCat]

yes they are

and that pale yellow one is PINEAPPLE btw...the best fruit ever..NOT HONEY

[ALLENFANDINGO5]

and that pale yellow one is PINEAPPLE btw...the best fruit ever..NOT HONEY

Yeah, but who calls their spouse Pineapple?

[mamaCat]

irish father Flannigan, an elderly irish priest invited irish father O'Connell, a younger
irish priest from a neighboring parish who was fresh from the seminary, over for
dinner. During the meal, the young irish priest couldn't help noticing how
attractive and shapely the house keeper was. Over the course of the evening
he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly irish priest and the
housekeeper than met the eye.
Reading the young irish priest's thoughts, the elderly irish priest volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly irish priest and said,
"irish father Flannigan, ever since the irish father O'Connell came to dinner, I've
been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
he took it do you?"
The irish priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter
just sure." So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear irish father O'Connell
I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation at dinner the other night and hope we
have the opportunity to do so again.
On another matter. We had a beautiful silver ladle which was a gift from a
parishioner that comes to visit from time to time. The ladle has come up
missing and I would be very embarrassed to invite her over and she notice
the missing ladle. It is very important that it be found.
Now, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and
I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here."
Several days later the elderly irish priest received a letter from the young
irish priest which read:
"Dear irish father Flannigan,
I also enjoyed our dinner and conversation and hope note only that we do so
again, but also that I be permitted to return the favor.
On the other matter. Now, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your
housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

[dragonpants]

Yeah, but who calls their spouse Pineapple?

nm

[chhspantherfan]

nm

pilgrims

[ALLENFANDINGO5]

Blonde in Church

An Alabama *preacher said to his congregation, ”Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the*Ku Klux Klan.*This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend *to accept this. *Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness*from God and this Christian Family.”

*No one moved.*

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again all was*quiet.*

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”

Another preacher confided in an older preacher about how to find out who the thief was that stole his bicycle.

The older preacher told him to preach about the Ten Commandments and when he gets to "Thou shall not steal" to really put heavy emphasis on that part of the sermon. Then someone might feel the conviction to return his bicycle. The younger preacher agrees that was a good idea.

A couple of months later the two preachers were having lunch and the older preacher asked if he had preached the sermon on the Ten Commandments. If so, did he get the desired results he was looking for.

Much to his chagrin the younger preacher told him that he did indeed get his bike back.

The older preacher asked "Whats wrong, you got your bike back, right?"

The younger preacher responded "Yeah, but I never got to the part about thou shall not steal, because when I got to the commandment about Thou shall not commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bicycle"

[mamaCat]

Advantages Of Being A WomanWhy it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

and then theres' 31...but its inappropriate for this forum

HAVE A NICE DAY BOYS!!!!

[chhspantherfan]

[Tom]

The dad also says he'll stop wearing whitie tighties when the kid does.

[chhspantherfan]

[mamaCat]

what men would do if they had a ****** for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[chhspantherfan]

[drgnbkr]

Yeah, but who calls their spouse Pineapple?

Mrs. Norieaga?