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PantherFan70
12-20-2005, 10:51 PM
I found this at another site I was visiting! ENJOY! :D


HOW TO POOP AT WORK---SURVIVAL GUIDE


WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE...THIS IS FUNNY

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the
office so the smell is not in your area and everyone
else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the
instant th! e poop hits the water. This reduces the
amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work
and is dang proud of it. You will often see an Out Of
The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of
co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the wherea! bouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are
in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you! are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

biglee2007
12-20-2005, 11:08 PM
hahaha omg that is great lol wow

CLFalcon2006
12-20-2005, 11:34 PM
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below.

I hate that feeling, and everyone around you knows whats happening becuse you straighten up and get that uncomforatble/oh crap look on your face.

CLFalcon2006
12-20-2005, 11:39 PM
I hate uncle Ted's they usually sit in front of the mirror and pick at their hair for a good 5 minutes. Narcissistic B@$t@rds!

Reaganrattler07
12-20-2005, 11:43 PM
Wow, that was good....haven't laughed that hard since....well, since i saw this piece of art (http://x4.putfile.com/3/6011092453.jpg)

wide-e-wide
12-20-2005, 11:49 PM
Wow, that was good....haven't laughed that hard since....well, since i saw this piece of art (http://x4.putfile.com/3/6011092453.jpg)


Is that Eli Manning in that pic Skins?

Reaganrattler07
12-20-2005, 11:50 PM
Is that Eli Manning in that pic Skins?

hehe, yes:D

found it on a skins board which they got off extremeskins

AZTiger
12-20-2005, 11:52 PM
we had a guy when I interned at El Paso Energy that we called "The Grunter"


um, yeah, make your own conclusions there

Reaganrattler07
12-20-2005, 11:54 PM
we had a guy when I interned at El Paso Energy that we called "The Grunter"


um, yeah, make your own conclusions there

speaking of which.........*leaves computer*

Sacred Ground
12-20-2005, 11:54 PM
Haha....brilliant....in the mornings at work, there is practically a waiting line, but during the lunch hour, that puppy's all yours!

CLFalcon2006
12-20-2005, 11:57 PM
speaking of which.........*leaves computer*

hahaha

Big_Maar
12-21-2005, 12:04 AM
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work
and is dang proud of it. You will often see an Out Of
The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.



Hahahaha:D

Definition of #1_LP_Fan

wide-e-wide
12-21-2005, 12:29 AM
Surely we can communicate on a higher level than this????

We have officially taken this message board down the toilet now...:p

Reaganrattler07
12-21-2005, 12:35 AM
....i can actually say i've done crop dusting a few times :o

dragons08
12-21-2005, 10:48 AM
hahah this is tooo funny

KT2000
12-21-2005, 11:00 AM
"JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred."

That may be the funniest bit of text I've ever read. Greatness.

Reaganrattler07
12-21-2005, 03:38 PM
"JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred."

That may be the funniest bit of text I've ever read. Greatness.

Haha, that hasn't happened to you, KT has it?

SeguinMatadors
12-21-2005, 05:51 PM
ljjhsalfj;aslf

lonny23
12-21-2005, 08:22 PM
I found this at another site I was visiting! ENJOY! :D


HOW TO POOP AT WORK---SURVIVAL GUIDE


WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE...THIS IS FUNNY

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the
office so the smell is not in your area and everyone
else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the
instant th! e poop hits the water. This reduces the
amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work
and is dang proud of it. You will often see an Out Of
The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of
co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the wherea! bouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try
floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are
in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you! are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.

UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
It ain't that high tech boys. If women are around, I go fart someplace else. If it's guys, I don't care how much I fart and the worse it smells, the better I feel about it. I love the silent farts that peel paint. The seat in my van is a fart provoker. If I sit down, i have to fart almost immediately. My chairs at work are always that way, too.

Let's talk about crap. I love it when I smell the bathroom up. Hey, it's the bathroom. I can't wait until I hear somebody say, "It smells like crap in here." I'm going to say, "you should've gone to the florist if you wanted it to smell like roses!"

Reaganrattler07
12-21-2005, 08:31 PM
It ain't that high tech boys. If women are around, I go fart someplace else. If it's guys, I don't care how much I fart and the worse it smells, the better I feel about it. I love the silent farts that peel paint. The seat in my van is a fart provoker. If I sit down, i have to fart almost immediately. My chairs at work are always that way, too.

Let's talk about crap. I love it when I smell the bathroom up. Hey, it's the bathroom. I can't wait until I hear somebody say, "It smells like crap in here." I'm going to say, "you should've gone to the florist if you wanted it to smell like roses!"

wow....that was probably by far THE weirdest statement i've ever heard you say....or, well, write.

mad_fan
12-22-2005, 07:21 AM
From the bowels of my soul, I declare this the biggest pile of excrement on the board...

thestud
12-22-2005, 11:33 AM
not for the bathroom as much as the meeting room, class room, or any other confined area with a good quantity of people in it.

*The Scout Fart

you feel the gas coming on, but you worry it will cause a very foul odor, ultimately leading to extreme embarrassment. so you let out a Scout Fart. a Scout Fart is a small, silent release of gas. let the Scout Fart run around the room a few times and if no one shows signs of detecting it, let out another Scout. let this one run aorund the room a few times as well, and if this one goes undetected as well, it is then safe to let the entire fart out.

lonny23
12-22-2005, 01:30 PM
not for the bathroom as much as the meeting room, class room, or any other confined area with a good quantity of people in it.

*The Scout Fart

you feel the gas coming on, but you worry it will cause a very foul odor, ultimately leading to extreme embarrassment. so you let out a Scout Fart. a Scout Fart is a small, silent release of gas. let the Scout Fart run around the room a few times and if no one shows signs of detecting it, let out another Scout. let this one run aorund the room a few times as well, and if this one goes undetected as well, it is then safe to let the entire fart out.
Hey, Wide.

It's fitting he entered the discussion!:p

wide-e-wide
12-22-2005, 01:37 PM
Hey, Wide.

It's fitting he entered the discussion!:p

hahahahaaaa

Can't have a toilet discussion without an ***-stud.

KT2000
12-22-2005, 01:43 PM
This thread reminds me of that scene in Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd (Jim Carrey) pours a container of laxative in Harry's (Jeff Daniels) drink.

"I hope you aren't using the bathroom upstairs. That toilet's broken."

Redneckn
12-22-2005, 04:20 PM
I'm proud to say that in my 32 years of life, I have never (and will never) took a dump at work/school. There are some things that are just too private and I can't bring myself to do in a "public" place. I cant even do that at Babys parents house or a friends house. When I'm in Shreveport, I make it a point to go out to the farm alone everyday so I can handle things in my bathroom there. Here in Austin, I have an apartment and it has a bathroom. I told them when they hired me here that if I ever needed to take a dump during the day, I would be going home "sick". I have germ issues and will die before I use a public restroom for that kind of business.

GRP05
12-23-2005, 02:08 AM
In all seriousness, if you want to avoid the havana omlets and watermelons, just lay some toilet paper on top of the water before you sit down. It should eliminate all splashage. :p

Redneckn
12-23-2005, 09:02 AM
In all seriousness, if you want to avoid the havana omlets and watermelons, just lay some toilet paper on top of the water before you sit down. It should eliminate all splashage. :p

Sounds like you've done some homework on this subject..hahaha...

At TSE, where I used to work, the ship bathroom has 3 stalls. At 9am, they have the first break of the day. Everybody always gets breakfast from a little country store near there. At about 10am, that bathroom is the most unsafe place in the state of Louisiana. The machine I operatated was about 40 yards from that bathroom. The stench from the "after-breakfast club" would waft its way over everyday. I had a little gas mask I'd put on.

Glad those days are behind me now...*ICK*

LoneRocket
12-23-2005, 10:12 AM
--

lonny23
12-23-2005, 11:52 AM
This just in. WE'LL TALK ABOUT ANYTHING!:D

Big_Maar
12-23-2005, 12:13 PM
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

Bwahhahahaha!:D

I just caught a guy at work and I let him have it. Boy, was he trying to get out of there in a hurry. I don't blame him cause I was in there a few seconds and...... well lets just say that I had to go crop dusting to air out my clothes. I keep calling him asking for a gas mask.:eek:

mad_fan
12-24-2005, 04:20 AM
This just in. WE'LL TALK ABOUT ANYTHING!:D


S&*t happens...I spent eight weeks at Camp Bullis back in the day...anyone else??? That S&S (s&*t and shower) building was military all the way...no stalls...just one building with four walls...the group shower thing was no different than high school...the ten toilets down the wall (facing the shower area) just killed me...common sense (and courtesy) dictated that your toilet selection should be based on current occupancy...one day, being an early riser and first one on the scene, I selected #10...a dude came in a few minutes later...and sat beside me at #9...by-passing #1 through #8...I looked at him and said 'You ain't from Texas are you???'...He was from Massachusetts...

lonny23
12-24-2005, 05:52 AM
S&*t happens...I spent eight weeks at Camp Bullis back in the day...anyone else??? That S&S (s&*t and shower) building was military all the way...no stalls...just one building with four walls...the group shower thing was no different than high school...the ten toilets down the wall (facing the shower area) just killed me...common sense (and courtesy) dictated that your toilet selection should be based on current occupancy...one day, being an early riser and first one on the scene, I selected #10...a dude came in a few minutes later...and sat beside me at #9...by-passing #1 through #8...I looked at him and said 'You ain't from Texas are you???'...He was from Massachusetts...
I think Mad had a friend!:p

Some people jack up the urinal selection. They won't pick the one on the end and it messes it up for everybody.

For toilet selection, go for the one you think is least used. Many times I take the one closest to the door because I bet other people avoid it.

I only went to Bullis to shoot the M-16 one time. It was probably best I didn't have a loaded weapon on Randolph. We might've been looking for a few new employees!:D

I think we had stalls in Basic, but it was community showers all the way.