Firebird
12-24-2008, 02:37 PM
I got this idea from another forum I visit. No, not sports sterotypes like "white men can't jump." I'm talking about the sterotypical teammates/opponents/competitors that we all know and love. Anyone who has played sports knows these guys/gals. Most of them are heartily detested by anyone who has the misfortune to share the field/court/track/pool with them. There is one on every team. If you don't recognize them, you are one. Share yours here. I'll kick it off:
Mr. Glass: Mr. Glass wears a knee brace, an ankle brace, maybe a protective face mask. His age-old sports injuries are prone to flair up whenever a play doesn't go his way. Miss an open jump shot? Count on Mr. Glass to start rubbing his knee and mention that it got "scoped" last year. Miss the cut-off man? It's that cranky rotator cuff. Curiously, on the rare occasions when Mr. Glass makes a good play or has a good game, none of his ailments bother him. Mr. Glass can be distinguished from a genuinely injured athlete by his near complete lack of scars on the ailing areas and the fact that no one who knows him can remember his numerous surgeries and long rehabs. Mr. Glass by himself is usually worthy of no more than an eye roll, unfortunately he is frequently combined with....
The Incredible Hulk: You wouldn't like him when he is angry, which is damn near all the time. If one of his teammates drops a ball or fails to pass to him when he is open, be prepared for a stream of expletives and for his face to turn purple and spit to collect in the corners of his mouth. Any loss will be blamed, angrily, on his collective team's failure to include him in the game plan. Occasionally, you will meet a self-loathing Hulk who will abuse himself in the same manner of his teammates, but more frequently he is oblivious to his own ineptitude.
Johnny Apparatus: Johnny Apparatus has every single gadget, accesory, and training aid under the sun. If he plays football, he is wearing a custom mouthguard, mirrored visor, gloves, two armbands per arm and leg, expensive cleats, and underarmour. If he is a swimmer, he arrives with optical goggles, six different varieties of hand paddles and gloves, three different sizes of training fins, a drag suit, a full body suit, and a wetsuit for cold days. As a child, Johnny Apparatus gets his parents to let him spend his summers at camps and workshops. As an adult, he is naturally drawn towards golf, where he can indulge in his gadget habit. Johnny Apparatus can also be recognized by the fact that all his equipment is in pristine condition due to the fact that he is never put in the game.
Clarance Darrow: Clarance Darrow stalks playgrounds, company gyms, YMCAs, and college rec centers looking for pickup games. In Darrow's eyes, no one is above the law. Clarance Darrow will angrily call a thirty second violation in a friendly game of 2 on 2 and will seek to implement the infield fly rule at the church picnic softball game. When his team loses, Clarance Darrow will blame biased officiating, even if there were no refs. Again, he is often found in combination with Mr. Glass and the Incredible Hulk.
The Natural: Legendary for his laziness and apathy, the natural nevertheless will whip everyone come game time. The worst nightmare of coaches across the nation, as they cannot decide whether to bench him for slacking and bringing down team morale and risk losing the game or play him and lose all respect from the rest of the hard-working team. The natural could earn a college scholarship/play in the pros, but his slothly nature prevents him from making the grades while his carefree attitude towards authorities leads to run in with the law. The natural hangs around his hometown his entire life and inspires people to shake their heads when they see him in the stands at the football game.
The Ringer: Withdrawn, quiet and frequently geeky looking the ringer shows up and practice or a meet one day out of the blue. He usually sticks out for his skinny frame, extra weight, coke bottle glasses, outdated athletic gear awkward gait, or bizarre warm-up routine. He is usually snickered at by would be competitors until he blows past them all for an easy layup, knocks the cover off the first pitch thrown to him, or laps the field. No one has ever met The Ringer and he has no explanation for his prodigdous skills at whatever sport he is playing. He does not hang out with the team and steadfastly gives the Heisman to anyone seeking to learn more about him.
What do you have?.......
Mr. Glass: Mr. Glass wears a knee brace, an ankle brace, maybe a protective face mask. His age-old sports injuries are prone to flair up whenever a play doesn't go his way. Miss an open jump shot? Count on Mr. Glass to start rubbing his knee and mention that it got "scoped" last year. Miss the cut-off man? It's that cranky rotator cuff. Curiously, on the rare occasions when Mr. Glass makes a good play or has a good game, none of his ailments bother him. Mr. Glass can be distinguished from a genuinely injured athlete by his near complete lack of scars on the ailing areas and the fact that no one who knows him can remember his numerous surgeries and long rehabs. Mr. Glass by himself is usually worthy of no more than an eye roll, unfortunately he is frequently combined with....
The Incredible Hulk: You wouldn't like him when he is angry, which is damn near all the time. If one of his teammates drops a ball or fails to pass to him when he is open, be prepared for a stream of expletives and for his face to turn purple and spit to collect in the corners of his mouth. Any loss will be blamed, angrily, on his collective team's failure to include him in the game plan. Occasionally, you will meet a self-loathing Hulk who will abuse himself in the same manner of his teammates, but more frequently he is oblivious to his own ineptitude.
Johnny Apparatus: Johnny Apparatus has every single gadget, accesory, and training aid under the sun. If he plays football, he is wearing a custom mouthguard, mirrored visor, gloves, two armbands per arm and leg, expensive cleats, and underarmour. If he is a swimmer, he arrives with optical goggles, six different varieties of hand paddles and gloves, three different sizes of training fins, a drag suit, a full body suit, and a wetsuit for cold days. As a child, Johnny Apparatus gets his parents to let him spend his summers at camps and workshops. As an adult, he is naturally drawn towards golf, where he can indulge in his gadget habit. Johnny Apparatus can also be recognized by the fact that all his equipment is in pristine condition due to the fact that he is never put in the game.
Clarance Darrow: Clarance Darrow stalks playgrounds, company gyms, YMCAs, and college rec centers looking for pickup games. In Darrow's eyes, no one is above the law. Clarance Darrow will angrily call a thirty second violation in a friendly game of 2 on 2 and will seek to implement the infield fly rule at the church picnic softball game. When his team loses, Clarance Darrow will blame biased officiating, even if there were no refs. Again, he is often found in combination with Mr. Glass and the Incredible Hulk.
The Natural: Legendary for his laziness and apathy, the natural nevertheless will whip everyone come game time. The worst nightmare of coaches across the nation, as they cannot decide whether to bench him for slacking and bringing down team morale and risk losing the game or play him and lose all respect from the rest of the hard-working team. The natural could earn a college scholarship/play in the pros, but his slothly nature prevents him from making the grades while his carefree attitude towards authorities leads to run in with the law. The natural hangs around his hometown his entire life and inspires people to shake their heads when they see him in the stands at the football game.
The Ringer: Withdrawn, quiet and frequently geeky looking the ringer shows up and practice or a meet one day out of the blue. He usually sticks out for his skinny frame, extra weight, coke bottle glasses, outdated athletic gear awkward gait, or bizarre warm-up routine. He is usually snickered at by would be competitors until he blows past them all for an easy layup, knocks the cover off the first pitch thrown to him, or laps the field. No one has ever met The Ringer and he has no explanation for his prodigdous skills at whatever sport he is playing. He does not hang out with the team and steadfastly gives the Heisman to anyone seeking to learn more about him.
What do you have?.......